Her.meneutics

Stay Sexy or Else? Well, Please Forgive These Mommy Hips

Janelle Aijian, guest writer — Fri, 17 May 2013 07:59:00 CST

When the joy of sex gets replaced by the fear of not being sexy enough.

Some Christian marriage conferences and self-help books tell us it's up to the wife to stay looking great and try new things in the bedroom, to keep her husband satisfied and her marriage strong.

Mary DeMuth recently critiqued the popular "smoking hot wife" line, pointing out that for the many Christian wives recovering from experiences of sexual abuse, this kind of imperative makes the difficult path towards healthy intimacy even harder. For a woman trying to find a way to lower defenses, shake off memories, and find true, godly communion with a spouse, being told to act the part of the sexy wife is 11 steps in the wrong direction.

But the real problem with all this evangelical sex talk is even bigger than that. Any woman trying to live intimately with her husband gets damaged by these sorts of claims, not just those who are recovering from abuse. It's antithetical to the Christian view of marriage altogether.

As we remind Christian couples to "stay in shape and try new things," we can play into a broader cultural premise on sex—that it's all right to leave a spouse once the spark of sexual excitement and attraction has dissipated, that couples who don't find sex exciting anymore don't, won't, or even shouldn't, stay together. An adventurous sex life becomes the unspoken requirement for lifelong monogamy.

Once that idea gets in a woman's head, it's hard to shake it. In the back of her mind, she knows the choice to have children also means changing her body forever. Her shape will become different. The sex will be different. Amid the vulnerability of pregnancy and childbirth, women face the fear of becoming less attractive to their husbands, who are ...

Desperate for Their MRS. Degrees

Marlena Graves — Thu, 16 May 2013 09:15:00 CST

Pressure to put a ring on it can distract from other pursuits and callings.

In the mid-90s, at 18 years old, it never occurred to me that a woman would go to college for the primary purpose of securing a spouse. Even attending a conservative Christian college, I never heard the term "MRS. degree" until many years later, when I lived on campus as a resident director of a dorm with 150-plus women.

Something changed between when I went to college as an undergrad and when I returned to work on campus. Maybe it was just a lack of awareness on my part about what others were discussing; after all, this was before social media. We weren't constantly connected by cell phones and Facebook (now the prime destination for "relationship status" updates and engagement pictures). Maybe it had to do with my personality, friends, and interests. Back then, girls and guys talked philosophy, theology, and music. Sure, my friends and I all wanted to get married, but we weren't obsessed with it. Now, the pressure of college matchmaking has become palpable. I can't even count the number of times I've heard, "My mom and dad told me that if I don't find a husband now when there are so many to choose from, then chances are slim that I'll find one after college."

They feel the need to make the most out of every opportunity, out of every chance encounter with a guy, to prove they are marriage material. Even though guys too have told me that male-female relationships become about sizing up marriage prospects, ladies feel like the onus to snag a husband is on them. Guys, they say, have their pick because on our campus, the women outnumber the men. Just a few weeks ago, several female nursing students told me, "Now that it is spring, it seems like all of our friends ...

'The Office' Shows Even TV Romance Isn't Picture-Perfect

Sharon Hodde Miller — Thu, 16 May 2013 08:35:00 CST

How Jim and Pam's struggling marriage saved the show's final season.

For me, it wasn't love at first sight. The first time I ever watched The Office, the scenes felt awkward and the staff of Dunder Mifflin seemed weird. But it didn't take long before I fell for those quirky characters, and I've been watching ever since.

Sure, The Office has been through its ups and downs (most notably, the departure of Steve Carrell as Michael Scott), but in its ninth and final season the show has gained momentum by way of two characters whose relationship hooked us from the very beginning: Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly.

Ever since the two exchanged witty flirtations during Season 1, viewers have been rooting for them. We watched as the two fell in love, married, and had children together. Then in this final season, we got a rare look at the strains placed on a marriage by shifting life circumstances.

Although Jim and Pam have a beautiful love story, it is their endurance that sets them apart. In today's pop culture, we don't typically see the "ever after" of a fictional couple's story. Once two lovers overcome adversity and finally unite, we are left to assume that the rest will just work itself out. Nevermind that their relationship was founded on deception (as in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Hitch, or Failure to Launch), nevermind that he was once a serial philanderer (Two Weeks Notice, What Women Want, and Crazy, Stupid Love), and nevermind that neither he nor she has a clue about healthy communication (The Proposal, The Ugly Truth, and Sweet Home Alabama). If they get together before the credits hit, we easily forget the complicating factors and celebrate the happy ending.

In this regard, TV doesn't fare much better than movies. Series finales often end ...

The Double Shock of Unexpected Pregnancy

Jen Pollock Michel — Wed, 15 May 2013 08:48:00 CST

How faith meets this scary, stressful, but ultimately divine surprise.

"Nightmare."

"We're pissed."

"Like cancer patients with only months to live."

What catastrophic life event, we might ask, could provoke language of such profound hostility and dread?

Pregnancy. Twins!

A Babble blogger, writing under the pen name Albert Garland, recently bemoaned his tragic fate as the soon-to-be father of twin boys. He and his wife, already parents of one son, tried for years to give him a sibling. Finally, at $10,000 a pop, they did in vitro fertilization. Hoping for one girl, they got two boys.

As the mother of young twin boys—plus three older children—I can relate to the initial shock of an unexpected twin pregnancy. I'd like to say I myself took the news as equitably as Mary, mother of God, who calmly responded in Luke 1:38, saying, "I am the servant of the LORD; let it be to me according to your word." Instead, for weeks I persisted in sullenness. I did not feel grateful and could not pray.

I don't blame Garland for his fear, even anger, nor do I want to minimize how dramatically a surprise pregnancy can alter the life of a family.

I initially struggled with the news, even though my case was unusually advantaged. Our house and car could reasonably accommodate the double-vision of high chairs and cribs and car seats. Because I was already at home with our three young children, the prospect of twins forced no threat of having to abandon career because of untenable childcare costs.

For many families though, a surprise pregnancy isn't so easily accommodated. The financial implications of bringing an "unplanned" child into the world—or two or three!—in addition to credit card debt, school loans, ...

Prom's Biggest Drama Queens? The Adults

Karen Swallow Prior — Tue, 14 May 2013 08:06:00 CST

Striving for moderation on high school's biggest night.

Along with prom comes angst, materialism, and drama. As much as we tend to associate those issues with teens attending the big dance, the grown-ups end up just as guilty. As they take pet prom issues far too seriously, parents and teachers indulge in plenty of excesses of their own.

When I was principal of a small Christian high school, the father of one of my students came to see me in my office one spring day. He had come from work, dressed in a faded three-piece suit. That, his full beard, and the way he sat stiffly in the chair in front of me made him look like a late-Victorian gentleman. It was fine foreshadowing. Our school had decided to approach our upcoming prom with the "spirit of the law" rather than the "letter of the law." We would have no hard and fast rules about widths of straps and lengths of hemlines, no list of banned songs allowed and dance moves; rather, we would set forth principles of decorum, taste, and loving our neighbors, and work with students to uphold them. This father, however, was concerned. And what he was specifically concerned about, he told me, sitting there across from me in my office like a late-Victorian gentleman, was that if the girls' dresses had no straps, they were more likely to cause the boys to masturbate.

That's when I developed strong views about the excesses of proms. And I don't mean the excesses of young people whose ripe, nervous exuberance is bursting from their cummerbunds and sequined gowns while they promenade toward adulthood, mature sexuality, and good taste. While the prom is a key way station toward growing up, at 16, 17, and 18, those qualities are generally still a good ways off. Rather, it is our own impulses toward excess—whether ...

Be the Nosy Neighbor

Shayne Moore, guest writer — Mon, 13 May 2013 08:21:00 CST

Neighborly love means if you see something, say something.

"The best defense against modern-day slavery is a vigilant public. Be the nosy neighbor."

That's what anti-human trafficking activist Kevin Bales wrote in his book, The Slave Next Door. He had to instruct us to be nosy because these days, we won't do it on our own. As neighbors, we mind our own business. We may not know the names of people who live across the street or recognize the faces of the tenants down the hall. We don't know or care enough to speak up when something's wrong. We have become very bad neighbors.

Last week, three kidnapped girls were found alive in Cleveland, after being held captive for more than a decade, in their own hometown, just miles from where they were abducted. That haunts me on what being a "good neighbor" looks like.

As we follow the news, we listen for individuals to come forward with past suspicions about the suspect, Ariel Castro, who captured the women as teens and beat, bound, and raped them over the years that they were kept locked in his house. Castro lived in the city. He had neighbors. He had family. Someone must have suspected something, and indeed, a few stories have surfaced. According to one story, children living nearby saw a naked woman in the backyard and told their mom. Another neighbor said he saw a little girl's face from the attic windows several times.

On CNN, people living nearby wondered how they could be so oblivious to Castro's crimes. In his neighborhood, like in many others, people avoided getting too nosy, were willing to live and let live. "People here say they are neighborly, but cautious -- of authority and, sometimes, of one another," CNN said. "They socialize, but they never pry."

On ...

Are Women Really Saved through Childbearing?

Sarah Arthur, guest blogger — Fri, 10 May 2013 08:33:00 CST

Mother's Day, infertility, and redemption.

During a panel discussion at my Christian college years ago, one scholar explained that bearing children is God's plan for womanhood, referencing 1 Timothy 2:15—"Women will be saved through childbearing." A graduate student stood up and addressed him tearfully, "I have just learned that I can never have children. Where is there room in your gospel for me?" The panelist paused for a long time. Then he said, in a broken voice, "I don't have a theology for that." There was no resolution, just pain.

What I witnessed that day was one of the rare moments when such pain is acknowledged out loud; the rest of the time, much of the Christian community can seem oblivious to the agony of women who do not want to be childless but find themselves aching as they read Bible passages celebrating motherhood and watch moms get their Mother's Day carnations at church each year. If we consider stats on infertility from the Centers for Disease Control, at least 1 in 10 women in our pews won't receive a carnation, no matter how desperate they are to become mothers.

During the anguished time when a woman from my church was trying to conceive, she asked for prayer from a Christian coworker. "She flat out told me that I wasn't getting pregnant because I didn't have enough faith. I wanted to hit her," my friend said. Another friend was repeatedly told, after each miscarriage, "It must be that God has a reason." She was sitting next to me in our small group when an older woman, herself childless, beamed at my pregnant belly and said, "What a blessing, so many babies in our church!" The older woman then looked around and said, "Isn't it wonderful, ...

The Good, the Bad, and the Terrorist

Marlena Graves — Thu, 9 May 2013 20:37:00 CST

Searching for an explanation for evil.

In the weeks since two bombs went off near the finish line of the Boston Marathon, we've learned much about the two young men first introduced to us as "Suspect 1" and "Suspect 2" in blurry images released by the FBI. The ongoing investigation into the lives of Dzhokhar Tsarnaev and his now deceased brother, Tamerlan Tsarnaev, have revealed detail after detail about their family, friends, education, hobbies, travels, religious practices, politics, and personalities. But no degree of in-depth reporting or FBI investigation will be able to answer our biggest question: What makes someone commit such unimaginably evil acts?

That's what we really want to know. What terrible things could've burrowed deeply into Dzhokhar's soul? What horrors drove him and Tamerlan to unleash a nightmare reality upon the innocents of Boston? The questions loom larger for Dzhokhar, the surviving younger brother, now in a prison medical facility. By all accounts, he was a good guy, and his friends never dreamed that he'd be involved in this kind of crime. High school teacher Larry Aaronson notes:

There is nothing in his character, in his deportment, in his demeanor that would suggest anything remotely capable of any of these things that he is now suspected of doing. He was so grateful to be here, he was so grateful to be at the school...he was compassionate, he was caring, he was jovial.

Is it any wonder that Dzhokhar's mother, Zubeidat Tsarnaeva, refuses to believe that her sons are the jihadist kind, repeatedly telling the media they were framed? While we may shake our heads in utter disbelief over her refusal to face reality, I suppose that it's hard for any of us, at least initially, to ...

Where Have All the Women Leaders Gone?

Halee Gray Scott — Thu, 9 May 2013 08:32:00 CST

Seeking lives that steward our giftedness wisely and well.

I kissed dating goodbye when I was 19 years old. For me, the whole purpose of dating was to find a husband, a life partner, and on one fine fall day, I decided it was foolish to try and find a suitable match when I didn't even know myself. Who would I be trying to find a match for? Besides, college was for building an identity and a career, not finding a husband.

Earlier this spring, Princeton mom and alumna Susan A. Patton penned a letter to the editor of the Daily Princetonian advising women to find a husband while pursuing their degrees. She told them that career advice wasn't the only thing they needed while in college, and that finding smart men to marry would only get harder after they graduated. Patton's letter created a media firestorm, at one point crashing the newspaper's website. Many decried Patton's letter as a quintessential example of Ivy-League school elitism; others claimed her rhetoric channeled the 1950s, when many women went to college solely in pursuit of an M.R.S. degree.

Elitism aside, Patton's advice isn't as off-base as some have made it out to be, because her observations of younger women's preoccupation with relationships over their career, unfortunately, appears to backed up by data on women in leadership.

Women's enrollment in graduate programs has dropped across disciplines, including law, medicine, and seminary. Businesses lament that the pipeline of female leaders is going dry, and that once current leadership moves on, there will be no women to replace them. Meanwhile, the new domesticity has plenty of women embracing life at home.

Some of the enrollment decline for graduate schools may reflect a troubled economy. The "dry pipeline" ...

'Crazy Talk': How We Characterize Mental Illness

Amy Simpson — Wed, 8 May 2013 08:11:00 CST

Our careless language reinforces stigma.

As a writer, an editor, and an advocate for people affected by mental illness, I was deeply encouraged to learn of a new entry in the Associated Press Stylebook, offering guidelines on how to describe and characterize mental illness. As the definitive guide to using language in American journalism, the AP Stylebook guides most professional news media and others to at least to some degree. It's significant to see the stylebook offer guidance on how (and when) to address mental illness.

The entry calls for journalists to "avoid unsubstantiated statements by witnesses or first responders attributing violence to mental illness. A first responder often is quoted as saying, without direct knowledge, that a crime was committed by a person with a 'history of mental illness.' Such comments should always be attributed to someone who has knowledge of the person's history and can authoritatively speak to its relevance to the incident."

It's about time.

This is a hugely valuable step toward a national conversation that treats people affected by mental illness with dignity and respect—and accuracy. Irresponsible journalism is culpable for perpetuating myths and misconceptions about mental illness, particularly the widely held, erroneous belief that most people with mental illness are more violent and dangerous than the general population.

Studies consistently show this is not true. As with the general population, substance abuse does increase tendencies toward violence, but mental illness itself does not make people significantly more prone to violence than others. In fact, according to the U.S. Surgeon General's office, "There is very little risk of violence or harm to a stranger ...